![]() The whole thing takes an hour I will shed at least three pounds worth of dead skin, endure countless buck- ets of hot water, and be manipulated this way and that on the plastic butcher block. There’s a pause as she straps on her tools of the trade: sandpapery gloves with which she will scour every inch of my body, including within my butt crack and under my boobs and in between my toes. I am naked, ass-side up on the plastic-coated table, when she starts tossing buckets of hot water on me from an industrial-size drum. Here, my clinician instructs me to remove the mesh and lay down on my belly on the slippery plastic. ![]() After emerging, drip- ping sweat, from the steam room, I am led by the elbow to my penultimate destination, a vinyl-topped massage table that recalls a combo of your great-aunt’s plastic-covered floral love seat and Hannibal Lecter’s dissection room. ![]() Small Asian women bustle about, directing customers here and there, guiding dripping, naked bodies to and fro. The spa is not so much relaxing as it is a march of boobs-out, crotch-masked efficiency. No, these days, in my sheer (what is the point) water-repellent undies, I am directed into an igloo-shaped hot dry sauna, then a hot tub full of lemons, then a cold tub full of cucumbers, then a hot wet sauna. ![]() ![]() No loaf-sized pad to layer in, though, or mewling baby to squish onto a nipple. ![]()
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